Tiger Woods Banned From Bugattis, Beamers, and Blondes

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

“You can’t do that! You can’t flipping do that!” An irate Vanessa Trump shouted as a Florida Judge read out Tiger Woods’ reduced DUI punishment. He is effectively banned from driving for 5 years and dating blondes for 6 years.

“I can do that miss,” the judge said. “Blondes make him wild. It’s time to tone things down before someone gets hurt. It’s better than a stint in the joint where he’d be the one wearing the blonde wig.”

The courtroom got quiet. Tiger motioned for his girlfriend to settle it down. The judge looked tense. Things could go sideways quickly. From my vantage point I could tell Woods felt he was one outburst short of a 10-year job in Corcoran.

“Everyone, just cool it,” he said in a low voice.

Ever since Tiger’s 37 back operations went array, coupled with the previous accident that nearly cost him his legs, pain has been a constant nuisance. That is where the prescription drug issue stemmed from. And then it grew into a monster. We’ve seen addictions take over the lives of athletes before. Dwight Gooden with the snow; Jennifer Capriati and her sticky fingers; Babe Ruth with the hot dogs.

Tiger lived fast and drove even faster cars on narrow streets in highly congested, ritzy neighborhoods where any misstep is magnified like a puss-dripping wart. We can’t say we necessarily blame the judge for the decision. Any normal person would be in shackles headed to the clink. Tiger got off easy. It’s been said the guy can actually walk on water. I don’t know how much of the Tiger myths I believe, but they are persistent.

Insiders say Vanessa has been seen around town with a brown-haired wig. She’s a brunette then, right?