Starbucks Lays off 100+ Employees in Nashville in Favor of Country Legend Robots

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

“Imagine being served by Roy Acuff or Vernon Dalhart?” A PR rep for the company said. “Not only that, they can serve 24 hrs., per day, never get sick and don’t need no smoke breaks. Yippidy Do Da!”

In a push started by the sex-starved nerds of silicon valley, robots have begun taking over the retail and food industries. In time, it will be wholly mechanized, and as inefficient as Google’s AI search engine is now. The blue links were too effective, too on point. The world doesn’t like efficiency. Just look at the big pharm and medical empires and the lack of cures for well, pretty much everything. But you can get expensive treatments for decades…

“So, Fionn, what do you think? Pretty cool idea, huh?”

“I’d rather have a bunch of sorority girls serving me instead of your goofy robots but that’s just my opinion,” I said.

“Get the f**k out of my bar!” He shrieked.

“Bar? This is a coffee shop, and an overpriced one at that. Are you behind that restructuring too?” I said.

With wild eyes he chased me out into the Nashville streets. He was so worked up I had to sprint three blocks before his asthma kicked in and I was able to escape and double-back to my car.