New York City Bans Elephants

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

New York City’s rigidly progressive city council has finally gone too far. They have officially banned residents from having elephants in their apartments and the irate voting populous are ready for a mutiny. “We didn’t vote for this!” One Upper East Sider said, while sipping a Venti, Strawberry Cream Sugarless, 1/2 caf, Breve, with one squirt of vanilla syrup with stevia and one with regular sugar, topped with low-calorie whipped cream, applied counter clockwise and topped with strawberry-flavored sprinkles and then reheated by steam to 160 degrees.

Even left-wing stooge Hochul has had enough and is threatening to deport all the council members “back to east Kampala.”

“Who do these blue-haired freaks think they are!?” One outraged cabbie shrieked before hurling an adungu at Gracie Mansion.

“The city is on edge. Crime is through the roof. The cost of living is untenable. It hasn’t been this dark since the Redcoats were raping all the colonial teenage girls. The heartbeat of this city is like a muffled groan. Alls I know is I’m movin’ out of here,” a pizza restaurant owner from the Bronx said. “Like the Billy Joel song, ‘I’m movin’ out. Da, da, da, da, da-da. You know, when Billy Joel wrote his song, ‘NY State of Mind.’ It wasn’t about this dump.”

The council did not immediately respond to requests for comment.