Nantucket’s Housing Crisis- The Cost of Perception

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Three families each earning between $1.1-$1.7 million dollars respectively are forced to share a three bedroom house on the severely overpriced island of Nantucket, land of Moby-Dick, because the median price for a home floats around $50 million.

These homes, built in the 1850s, average approximately 700 square-feet. They now all apparently have running water and electricity. But nobody who holds a real job, the kind that keeps towns and cities operating effectively, can afford one.

One former resident told the Lampoon, “Humans are such a**holes. If you ever want to know the extent of it, go live and work on Nantucket Island and try and buy a home.”

It has been rumored that upwards of 97% of the wealth on the island was inherited and those people have never even held a real job. The people with actual jobs can’t afford to live there. It is a crisis. But only for them. Those that catch a whiff in the wind split and relocate to more reasonable environs like Mississippi and Texas.

Some average workers, only earning $400,000 to $1 million tried to take the matter to the Massachusetts state government who, all have summer residences on Nantucket after-all, scoffed and told them to pound sand. “We refuse to build housing projects for you bums. Then the crime will follow and we have no police because they can’t afford to live on the island or even near the ferry on the mainland.”

The median income since 1846 has risen 9%. The cost of a home has risen 376,000,000%. In time, realtors predict the average cottage on the island, not even waterfront, will go for a cool $200 million. “Just wait and see,” one realtor said. “I commute everyday. As long as the ferries are running. These are strange times. The inflated housing costs are everywhere, but nowhere is as extreme as here.”

Even the Wampanoag have left, just like the whales, and that old-time of The Little Grey Lady of the Sea once had, if it ever really did.