So Many Teenage Girls Invade Baltimore the Mayor Declares a State of Emergency

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

On August 10th, the city of Baltimore was under siege. Traffic jams from nearly all points of entry including I-95 (north/south coastal corridor), the MD-295 Baltimore-Washington Parkway (from DC and the south), I-895 Harbor Tunnel Thruway, Interstate 83 (from the north), Interstate 70 (from the west), I-695 Baltimore Beltway. The Light Rail train cars and platforms from BTW Airport up to the Convention Center were so packed with teenage girls that engineers were called to ensure the platforms and cars could hold up.

It was such a frenzy that regular commuters and residents were making distress calls to the police and city hall. “Hot damn! I think aliens have invaded the city?” Many were tuned in to broadcasts as teenage girls were seen hanging from trees and climbing lampposts outside M&T Stadium.

We are waiting on news reports from team members in the field to learn more about what was going on. One terrified resident in the Federal Hill neighborhood, seen frantically packing her car, said, “I’m outta here. Rumor is we are being taken over by an army. They won’t get me! What is this BTS Army? 70,000 of them in just a few hours. Flooding the streets just over the Cal Ripken Way, over by the stadium. I’ve been hearing screaming! Like something’s being tortured. And loud music like a pogrom.”

Word from the frontlines is that it is chaos. Apparently, we’ve already had two field reporters, Jenny Cho and Stilt,  swallowed up by the flood of teenage girls. As of now, they are “missing in action.”