Lions Loose in Indiana May Have Eaten the Hoosiers

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Indiana State officials are forced to admit that lions are on the loose after the entire Indiana Hoosiers basketball team was presumed eaten during a training run.

“We’re not sure how lions got free in Bloomington, but Purdue is not free from suspicion,” an official said, off the record.

“Do the Hoosiers even still have a basketball team?” A man from South Bend said with a chuckle.

Ugandans from the New York City mayor’s office have been shipped over to Bloomington to track the lions.

“People are afraid to leave their homes. How could this have happened?” One concerned resident said. “We have children who want to play outside, and go to school.”

“My guess is that this is the new norm. People just have to get used to it and be vigilant,” one official was heard to mutter.

This isn’t the first time lions have run amok, terrorizing the population of a US city. In 2011, in Zanesville, OH, a lunatic released his private collection of exotic animals into the community including several African lions.