Florida’s Lizard Infestation Continues to be a Problem

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

South Florida has had it too good for too long. Perfect weather, wholesome politics (if such a thing exists), sports teams that have stayed, for the most part, out of the news, some of the best restaurants in the country; but it was inevitable that lizards from the wastelands of the northeast and west coast would slither down to the land of sun and french bikinis to infest the orange groves and cause trouble, and Floridians are not happy about it.

“They are dirty and and a menace. They steal water from our outdoor hoses and vegetables from our gardens and try to touch our daughters. Many of them bite and hiss and attack when you are walking to your car. What happened to the Florida we once knew?

2026 is turning into a strange year. The stink is foul, like a leaky landfill on a hot July afternoon. Florida is changing. And not for the better. The northern part of the state is in the iron grips of a building frenzy, shanty towns from St. Augustine to Jacksonville. The same greedy instincts can be seen throughout the state. Miami has had it so bad they nearly changed the name of the city to simply the city of hypertrophied. With a lowercase “h”. All the seedy developers are transplants from out of state.

The people of Florida are too nice. The good food, salty air, and plump weather has dulled their edge to that of a ping pong ball.

They aren’t used to the viciousness of invaders from places like Boston, Trenton, and New York; Eugene, Los Angeles, and Seattle, throat-slicers who will kill for second-hand shoes.

Rumor has it that locals are stocking Fort Matanzas, Fort Pickens, and Castillo de San Marcos with ammunition, water, alcohol, and canned and dried foods. “We’re hoping for the best, you know. But preparing for the worst. We’re also building a trebuchet, but don’t tell anyone,” one Florida man said.

The atmosphere in Florida is tense. People are on edge and it is evident on the roadways where irritability is at an all-time high.

We’ve set up a headquarters in Daytona Shores to keep an eye on the whole thing. With winter around the corner and snow birds  soon flying south, and then that rotten holiday that is Spring Break, pickings become thin. And beggars can’t be choosers.