Las Vegas Admits that They Fully Control Pre-season College Football Rankings
By Fionn mac Cumhaill
Anyone who watched college football was baffled when the preseason ranking was unveiled and #1 was Ohio State… what?. Then #2 was even more stunning, the Oregon Ducks…huh?
Not Indiana, the National Champions, or the Michigan Wolverines, the runners up? Or even Notre Dame, the best recruiting class this off season. What gives?
The Fighting Irish didn’t stand a chance as they are the most hated team in college football next to the Tennessee Volunteers, especially by the “sports writers”, and hardcore conference fans who loathe the fact that ND remains stubbornly independent. Notre Dame fans, like me, hope they remain independent forever and to pot with these overrated conferences. The fact that Notre Dame falls in at preseason #4 behind Ohio State, Oregon, and Georgia raised red flags at the Lampoon and we went in search of answers. Jenny Cho and I went digging, and what we found surprised us little, but at the same time we recognized we were treading dangerous waters. We had to make at least 500 phone calls, met several nervous journalists in dark bars and alleyways, and little by little the fog started to lift. They covered their tracks well.
After the first death threat we knew we were definitely getting close. If you ever want to know what anything is, follow the money. Which is what we did. And it let straight to Vegas. A dingy basement off the strip.
“I would have thought they’d be up in a penthouse, making decisions while gazing over the neon lights of the empire,” Jenny said. I agreed with her.
The Vegas odds generated by the mathematicians and computer geeks were:
Ohio State: +550
Notre Dame: +650
Oregon: +750
Texas: +850
Georgia: +850
Indiana: +900
Miami (FL): +1100
Notre Dame, who should have sat at #2 was out of the question. The president of the sketchy organization was from a Big Ten school and said ND could absolutely not be #2.
“I want them #11 at best.”
“Sir, we can’t do that. They have the strongest recruiting class this year. They are going to be good.”
“Don’t you question me you whimpering squid. What is your name anyway?”
“Linus.”
“I don’t Linus. I’m going to call you Barry. Listen Barry, I have made people disappear, do you understand?”
“What…?”
“#4 and that is as low as I will let them be.”
“Ok, we can’t make that work. How about East Tennessee State in the top 25, they are supposed to be very good?”
Whack
“Did you just slap me.”
“Put Texas at #5.”
“Over Indiana?”
“I’m not happy about it but they can move up on their own. This is about numbers and numbers generate money. Never forget that Barry. It is not about what is fair but what brings in the profits.”
“Here we are:
Ohio State
Oregon
Georgia
Notre Dame
Texas
Indiana.”
East Tennessee State
“Send it in.”