49ers Owner, Jed York, Only Offers Hooker, Essentially, Nosebleed Seats for some Trailer Park Action

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

Not sure what is more obnoxious, the fact that the 49ers’ skinflint owner tried to pay a hooker a mere $140 for some hot trailer park loving, or that his name is Jed York. When I see the name Jed York, I picture the King’s son’s boyfriend from Braveheart who was thrown out the window by Longshanks. You remember the guy- the spray tan, mineral oil in the hair, the iSmile neon white teeth. Before Edward grabbed him by his tights and hurled him down into the donkey refuse, that very thought, to throw him out the window by his tights had crossed my mind.

And it wasn’t just about Jed trying to get fancy with a street walker, but what was most offensive was the fact that he was only going to pay her $140. That’s a rookie move. One too many Michelob Ultras and he wants to take a walk on the Wild Side. $140 is like a tank of gas in San Francisco. If that doesn’t smell like a sting I don’t know what does. The country club gossip is like cicadas on a southern night these days in Santa Barbara.

Reports out of East Palestine, Ohio, are that Jed’s charges were reduced from solicitation of coitus at the Wheat Hill trailer park, to disorderly conduct and carrying “criminal tools.” I can only imagine what those tools included. For his crimes he was sentenced to 2 days in the joint and fines, that his mother will pay.

“We all knew it was the cops. But it was so damn funny. We could have said something, but we didn’t. Haha. Welcome to the club convict,” one young mulleted man said.