On The Beat- Sunday, April 13, 2026 - From Broadway to Biscayne Boulevard, from the Bird Streets to Euclid Avenue to Lark Street- Any Topic is Fair Game Until it is a Bore…

By Mr. Curmudgeon

A Secret Service agent trainee accused of felony eavesdropping on roommate with a hidden camera at the training academy. I already see it, at #2 on Netflix Top Ten movie list… “Fly direct from Cape Town to Antarctica.” For what? Try flying direct to Miami or Dallas from where you live. Impossible. But you can fly to Antarctica… Cuba leader, Miguel Diaz-Canel, says the island will “resist” U.S. threats. I needed a good hearty laugh this morning after the Yankees fourth loss in a row last night. It is as if the Cuban leadership is managing the Yankees organization as well as their own sinking island. A combined batting average of .121? Bring back Oswaldo, Dominguez, call up Spencer Jones, call up Donny Baseball. “There is a tide in the affairs of men; Which, when taken at the flood, leads on to fortune…North Miami Beach condo-manager “allegedly” receives illegal kickbacks from a contractor. “Let the punishments of criminals be useful.” Make the wolves work of their dinners up there on Bays Mountain. Give the fraudsters a 10-second head start before dinner is served… Michigan Wolverine’s men’s basketball team celebrate their National Championship victory with a parade through Detroit -behind bulletproof glass - Bazinga… In Helena, MT, a new 150-unit housing project is in the works to be constructed uglyifying the scenic city with their very own “O Block”… Former Presidential hopeful, New Mexico’s very own, Andrew Yang hopes his centrist “Forward Party” will catch fire and become a heavy weight contender alongside Republicans and Democrats. First things first, bucko. Albuquerque has a significantly higher crime rate than the national average. It has higher gas prices, high poverty rate, and higher sales taxes than the national averages. Ergo, Me. Yang, fix your own city first before thinking you can play ball in this bigger Aztec arena… Gronk hurt during a flag football game. If the NFL catches wind of this, next year’s Pro Bowl will be ESports… Rockland vs. Westchester County chocolate chip cookie, March Madness bracket competition has a winner for best chocolate chip cookie in the region. 72% of the vote went to Haverstraw’s “Flours Pasta and Bakeshop,” making them #1 in the Lower Hudson Valley. Well, next to Friehofer’s before the additives… North Carolina man is heard grumbling about how annoying it is to watch YouTube these days with their Ad fetish. Everyone within earshot heard him sigh and vociferously agreed… Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, not a stranger to castigation by his inferiors,branded a privileged “prig” in latest diatribe. Prig: (noun) a self-righteous, annoying person who demands strict conformity to moral, social, or formal rules, often acting in a snobby or uptight manner. Just going out on a limb here, but wouldn’t you need to be a prig in order to even know to use the word to savagely slight someone?… In another Masters meltdown, LIV golfer, Sergio Garcia smashes his club and then destroys a water cooler as fellow LIV golfer Jon Rahm looks on. Garcia was then warned. No more warnings! Throw him out. He’s like 60, he knows the rules! Being that LIV is ESPN’s featured group this morning, we have not watched a full minute of coverage yet on this sunny Sunday at the Masters. Here at the Lampoon, we only tune in to watch real golfers vie. Does that make us prigs?… A commercial came on the TV and it was about lawn care, obviously here in the south, and I watched as the guy gently pushed his mower over the soft soil and lawn like he was mowing a bed with silk sheets and I shouted “sweet creeping Geezus, that is balderdash! The soil in the south is not soft and luxurious. It is rock hard red clay and mowing it is like mowing a construction site.” And afterward your joints are so rattled and worn you practically need physical therapy and a handful of Ds… Rory McIlroy, despite fireworks on 18, steered the ship in for his second green jacket. It was an epic performance. Scheffler had a near legendary comeback finishing in solo second and Cameron Young put on a great show landing in a four-way tie for third with Rose, Henley, and Hatton, as a part of the final pairing with McIlroy. Early on, I told my dad that if Cameron stays at -12 he will win. Back-to-back bogies scattered those dreams. Cameron grew up near me so I cheer for him. I do think if I was playing I would have been in contention too, as I have watched Jack Nicklaus in the 1986 Masters about 15 times and I believe I have memorized the contours of every green, just throwing it out there… Brittany Spears checks into rehab for substance abuse just weeks after DUI arrest. That is a smart move. Maybe go find a different high like marathon running or hot yoga… Zohran Mamdani pats himself on the back and throws himself a large celebratory bash despite only carrying a 48% approval rating in a notoriously democratic socialist city with potential record-high tax increases just around the corner. Maybe the champagne is premature, no?… Bieber gets mixed reviews for Coachella headline performance. You can’t make everybody happy, and often, almost nobody… India refuses to criminalize martial rape, making it technically not a real marriage as the social lag in women’s rights remains severely troubling, thereby determined to maintain their “developing country” status… U.S. announces blockade on Iranian ports will begin Monday, April 13th (tomorrow). They brought this on themselves… David Vannucchi, a 24-year old Financial Analyst and self-proclaimed “Hobby Jogger,” won the Sentinel Milwaukee Marathon, completing the rigorous event in 2:30:24. That is astounding considering there must have been professional runners amongst the 4,000 participants. The greatest perplexity of all is tying to spell Milwaukee on the first try… Russia and Ukraine accuse each other of numerous ceasefire violations. Two frozen countries that no tourist in their right mind would ever want to visit, who should just cut their losses and get on with livin. L-I-V-I-N… Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau get all touchy feely at Coachella. Yeah, that’s all cute and all, but does he serenade you with some raw acoustic Zeppelin and Hendrix? My number is… After a 16-month hibernation, Tyson Fury returns with fury, winning by unanimous decision against Arslanbek Makhmudov at Totterham Hotspur Stadium. Just because bears sleep doesn’t mean they won’t annihilate you when they wake up… Sabrina Carpenter dazzled the stage at Coachella. There’s no denying it. She’s good. Better than you… Four men were deported by the U.S. to Eswatini. I dusted off my Game of Thrones book and started looking for said location… A British Gap-Year student, was killed on the Ha Giang Loop, a popular motorcycle trail in Vietnam after she fell off and was run over by a truck. 19 is too young to study abroad. It is too young to fight in wars, and too young to drive, in my not-so-humble opinion. 19 is too young for many, many, many, many things… Iranian negotiator says, “We will not bow to any threat (by the U.S.)” regarding the blockade of the Strait of Hormuz. It’s easy to run your mouth when you know the nation isn’t going to turn you into a parking lot.… In England, fried nuggets and steamed sponges are removed from school menus in a food overhaul. Imagine American children served steamed sponges at lunch? They’d starve to death… We present it, you decide…