New York City Mayor Orders a Crown

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

After being viciously booed off the stage in Staten Island while delivering a speech that lasted less than a minute, the furious and embarrassed mayor was heard muttering, “I want a crown and they are paying for it.” Or so it is rumored.

The event, usually festive, celebrating the unity of the police and the citizens became outright hostile when the mayor forced his way up on stage. Heckled, booes, and profanity filled the air.

After a few words the mayor fled the stage and was whisked away by heavily armed body guards. New York City continues its vapid decline as every single affluent person who once paid taxes left for Florida, Tennessee, and Texas.

With the burden now falling on the shoulders of a struggling working class, the tension can be sliced with a dull knife.

Word on Wall Street is that Staten Island better watch it! Staten Island says, “Piss off or we are seceding from the city.”

“Can they even do that?” Mamdani asked his Senegalese advisors.

“F**k if we know. We’re not from here?!”

An order for a new customized crown was received by the House of Garrard, the official royal jeweller for the British royal family since 1735, insiders say. 

“But your honor,” an advisor quipped, “They are the colonizers.”

“lam ya’ud,” the mayor said.

“Who gets the bill for this crown?” An advisor asked.

“Who do you think,” the mayor said.