New TSA Carry-on Bag X-Ray So Small Some Frustrated Passengers Forced to Check Their Cell Phones

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

In a world where profiling is no doubt the most effective method for airport security, the rigidly PC TSA has invested in new carry-on baggage X-Ray equipment that is so small, larger cell phone models can’t fit through them.

“This is just absurd,” said one frustrated passenger. “When is enough going to be enough?”

We contacted a TSA insider who said, “If they don’t like it, they can take a Grey Hound.”

We asked for clarification, as dangerous passengers are fairly easy to identify without such extreme measures.

“Listen pal, we make the rules. This is our house. If it was up to me, I’d make passengers check their shoes too.”

“You are insane,” I said.

“Do you want to end up on the no-fly lost? Huh? Shut your cake hole.”

“This is wholly irrational. There is no way the FAA will allow this circus to continue. The airline industry generates over $350 billion in revenue per year. They won’t threaten that cash cow.”

“We’ll just see about that, hot shot.”

“All I known is that I’ll be taking a Grey Hound from now on, with everyone else. About 2.9 million people fly commercial daily, but that is about to shrink.”

“Good!” He shrieked. “I don’t want your kind in my airports or on my planes.”

“Your airports? Your planes?”

“Do you want to step outside and solve this problem like men?”

“Are you challenging me to a fight,” I said. Admittedly, I was surprised by the casual threat of violence. “I think you fall into the category of a potentially dangerous passenger,” I said.

“You son-of-a-bi**h! If you have any sense you won’t be printing any story or flying any time soon.”

“Wow. This interview has really gone sideways.”

“I’ve had it up to here with all you journalists trying to get cute.”

“Get cute?”

“I’m a busy man. Show yourself out.”