Locking Horns with a Triceratops - The Rules of Etiquette Should You Find Yourself in a Personal Care and Home Fragrance Products Store Dust-up
By Greg Evans
I almost felt guilty watching it for free. Usually, you have to shell out $79.99 on pay-per-view to see good MMA beatdown. Many of you fighting enthusiasts may remember the fracas that took place at the hillbilly honky-tonk chain, Bath & Body Works, that was so appallingly middle America, that it became national news. I felt like I was watching Roadhouse and the patrons at the Double Deuce. A melee erupted like bulls in a dusty rodeo ring.
Am I alone here in my revulsion? Breaking news, “Angry mountain women duke it out, not in a hayloft, but a personal care and home fragrance products retail store!” As you can now see, Bath & Body Works is officially the redneck version of Bed, Bath & Beyond, essentially the Bush beer of the industry.
Nonsense like this would never occur in a Revlon, Clé de Peau Beauté, Coors Banquet Brewery, or anywhere moderately civilized. You never know when some random shopper is going to go Randy Macho Man Savage on you. And just in case you ever find yourself “involved,” in such a despicable encounter, for which you should be unforgivingly ashamed, it’s best to adhere to the proper etiquette when in the grips of a serious retail store dust-up.
I grabbed my pad and pen and decided to analyze this spectacle like a Roman journalist on assignment at the coliseum; trying to make heads or tails of such a exposition. As one might expect, the fight at the Arizona Bath & Body Works began in earnest with a couple of initial shoves. Such shoving is common in a “street” altercation. The bellicose rhinos have to test each other’s might and overall aggressiveness.
But as we learned during an Oklahoma Football players’ 3 a.m. bathroom scrum, shoving is amateur hour.
Rule #1 - Never shove: It is rude and uncouth. Any seasoned veteran of the street scrabble, like Mike Tyson or Miley Cyrus, will always hit first, flush, and you receiving the vicious blow will take a leave of absence as your face enjoys a floor sandwich or some gutter soup.
The video, filmed by a young girl with a smartphone, was humanity 101. Should something violent or blood-laced take place, expect phones to be out recording before anything else. Would you expect anything different? Let’s break down this broil. The stout women went at each other with open palms, flailing, out of control, like yaks in a grain bin. The customer in black and white, the aggressor, unleashes Tolkien fury in the direction of somebody and is quickly pounced on by two employees. With the two-on-one tag team, it seemed that the altercation would be over quickly, but the fake blond was tougher than she looked.
The two employees underestimated their opponent and weren’t strategic, both going in high, instead of the more effective chop block (one hit high, one hit low).
Rule # 2 - Never underestimate your opponent, unless you are Joey Chestnut: Use unorthodox techniques like the full nelson, the tombstone, the figure-four leglock, the lion tamer, or in desperation, the Frankensteiner.
As expected, the ruffians grabbed each other by the fistful of hair and then started swinging each other around, knocking over displays, young children, and expending large doses of aggression, negative energy, and whatever self-respect they may have had when they pulled into the parking lot that day. A few female employees tried to intercede and were effectively swallowed up by the undertow of the brouhaha.
A poor lone male, who couldn’t take any more of the tumult, intervened and broke it. It was later learned enrolled in counseling, and then questioned the meaning of life, became a monk and moved Sichuan.
After interceding, he screamed at the belligerent, the female in the black and white striped skirt, to get out of the store. It was at that moment that I noticed something. Moments earlier she had been tumbling around on the floor but was now looking unfazed. Not a wrinkle in her clothes. And what is more … she never even lost a flipflop.
Her friend, the lady in black stretchy clothes with the belly like a Carolina Panthers lineman, would have been the one I put money on during the preliminary weigh-in, but it looked like she met her match with one of the seasoned store employees. That was a test of sheer strength, like two Gorillas fighting over a banana tree. There was a lot of tugging and grunting and then they were separated, no-contest decision.
Looking closely at their grabbling techniques, and judging by the wrist action, no doubt there was an attempt at a Gutwrench Powerbomb. It was apparent within 10 seconds this wasn’t their first ruckus, but we could tell it had been a while for all parties involved.
After it was over, and gasping for air, the brutes stumbled out of the retailer with pending lawsuits on the way. This confrontation could not have been avoided. It was written in the stars. In fact, it was a reincarnation of the coliseum’s very last battle before closing its doors for eternity. This brings us to rule number three.
Rule # 3 - Remember, at the conclusion of the donnybrook, run like hell to avoid spending the night in general population. And never look directly at the camera as you are running past trying to elude the responding officers. That is a one way ticket to B-movie rolls. So stay focused.
Let us, the average viewer give our two cents. Is self-defense a plausible defense for either party here? Nope. Damage to the floor when they fell, $20,000. PTSD for those that were there who had to watch this debacle, $100,000 for 10 years of regular mental health visits. PTSD costs for those of us who had to watch this over our smartphones, millions. A lawsuit against smartphone manufacturers for providing us the vehicle to choose to watch something so horrible, tens of millions. The fate of the Cholas involved in this gritty wrestling match? They were shipped off to Kabal.
In conclusion, Tesla was right, humanity is doomed.