Entire Cubs Bullpen Sent to the Minors

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

In an act that has stunned the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs GM, Carter Hawkins, and field manager, Craig Counsell, have had enough and have shipped their entire bullpen to the High-A league Cubs’ affiliate, South Bend Cubs.

“How many leads have to be given up? I would have taken action a month ago,” a Chicago Sportswriter said. “We have a solid team but that bullpen will make it impossible to win the NL, let alone the World Series.”

“I didn’t expect the entire bullpen to go. Kind of shocked by that. Like, where do we go from here?” A Cubs fan said.

Rumors circulating through the halls of 1060 West Addison Street are that young blood will be tested in trial by fire performances. “Get me Cade Townsend, Jaxon Wiggins, Brooks Caple, Kaleb Wing, Carson Jasa, Isaac Morton, Grant Kipp, Jostin Florentino, Chase Meyer, and Riley Martin and Pierce Coppola (Marin and Coppola, the only two left-handed pitching prospects the Cubs have out of their top 30 prospects). That’s only 11. Bring four more from Double-A. Get it done!” Came a voice from one of the sealed boardrooms in the bowels of Wrigley Field, secured by armed guards.

“Don Hawkins. What if we go old school and teach them a thing or two, you know: The Spitball, the Shine Ball, the Beanball, the Emery Ball, and the Eephus Pitch. Win at all costs, right?” one of the interns said.

“Our fans are not as seedy as the Michigan Wolverine fans. If we are going to survive the playoffs it has to be a straight act.”

“I see,” he said.

“Are you a Michigan Wolverines fan?”

“Uh. Well, uh. I did go to Michigan.”

“Geezus. What kind of low-lives do we have working in HR?! Tammy! Tammy!”

“What?! What? Oh my God.”

“Fire everyone in HR!”

“But sir?”

“Fire them all!!?!?!!”

“We can’t just do that, sir.”

“Are you threatening me, Tammy?!”

“I’m not, sir.”

“Send them all to double-A then. God Dam**t!

“Mr. Hawkins, the bullpen didn’t look this sketchy at the beginning of the season. What happened?” I asked him. I figured he was riled up. Maybe I could get a pseudo-honest answer out of him.

“Fionn.”

“Yessir.”

“Get the hell out of my office!”

“Yessir.”

Suffice it to say, tensions are high and the snow hasn’t even started falling yet. It is going to be a cold winter on the North side of Chicago if things don’t get sorted out soon.