Congress Sides with America and Bans Streaming Networks from Charging an Annual or Monthly Fee if they Run Ads During Shows

By Fionn mac Cumhaill

We weren’t sure it was going to happen but Congress came through. The people were finally heard. No more double dipping. No longer will streaming networks be allowed to have their hands in your pockets as well as your wallet.

Of course it was us that got the ball rolling, a prime example of the power of the press. Several streaming network execs have even hurled themselves from Tribeca and Midtown penthouse balconies. It was a bloodletting for the ages. Greed bleeds green, much like we expected. But you can’t hold the monster down forever. We know this is only a temporary win, but for now that is good enough. We’ll deal with the next zombie apocalypse when it comes.

Remarkably, it wasn’t a clean sweep. It was 387 votes to 48. Who are the 48 monsters that voted against it, I wonder. Bet I could pick those leering bastards out of a lineup. As for the House, 58 votes. Disappointing, but still a win.

The idea of cable, as we all know, was invented to show movies and television ad free. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, some channels fought against the greed running rampant in the industry. In the end, powerful networks were able to strong-arm the industry, running endless ads while charging high monthly and annual fees to satisfy their profit ambitions. Rarely does the little guy land on his feet.

So, we won, and the streaming networks can burn out slowly, or so the rumor goes…just like Rome.