The Great Asteroid Hoax!
By Greg Evans
This week, February of 2025, near Williamsburg, Virginia, people were losing their minds over news of a snowstorm headed their way. Doomsday peppers came crawling out of basements and bunkers flooding the grocery stores and markets, like Vikings pillaging Normandy, clearing the shelves of all the toilet paper, sausage, bacon, eggs, dreidels, everything and anything they could get their hands on. “ITS MADE OUT OF WOOD?! Hot damn!! Get it! We can burn it.”
What this tells me is something I have suspected for quite a while - people are batshit crazy. You see what the threat of a few inches of snow will do. Just this morning, the New York Post published an article, and this is no H.G. Wells book title, NASA's odds of 'city-killing' asteroid hitting Earth just went up — the highest probability ever.
The article suggests that Asteroid YR4 2024 is on course to slam into the earth in 2032, splattering it like a water balloon. It is not just some moon pebble floating through space either, it is an asteroid the size of a city! The dinosaurs had it easy with their asteroid strike. According to the rumors started by reputable news syndicates, there is no reason to panic since we are all doomed.
The last major asteroid strike took place during the Cretaceous period, around the last time the Knicks held up the Walter A. Brown, now the Larry O’Brien, trophy, about 66 million years ago when a rock 6.2 miles wide crashed into Mexico creating what is known as the Chicxulub Crater in the Yucatán Peninsula. The collision produced an impact so severe it wiped out the majority of the dinosaurs. But, not everything was killed off, some creatures survived: mosquitos, wasps, ticks, cockroaches, overpaid athletes, and the delightful intestinal parasite.
66 million years is a long, long, long time, longer than even the most boring cost accounting class you have ever sat through. It is so long ago that it can only make sense that we are due for another extinction-generating asteroid to clean house. I don’t know, there are parts of this planet where a city-size asteroid leveling everything flatter than a Swedish pancake might not be such a bad thing.
The question I have is how do they know it is an asteroid and not a comet or a meteorite, or maybe even Elvis. Mark Twain once said, I came into this world on Haley’s Comet and I will leave on it, and that is exactly what he did.
I always thought that they were all more or less the same thing. I figured a comet floats in space and an asteroid is a comet that hits the ground, and becomes a meteor on impact, blah, blah blah, hence my D in science; however, albeit all space-related, they are different.
Asteroids consist of primarily rock and metal and are leftover from the formation of the Solar System. They are almost as old as the tax code. They are larger than meteoroids but smaller than planets. Thankfully YR4 2024 is smaller than a god-forsaken metal planet hurdling toward Detroit. Scientists claim most orbit the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars.
Comets are made of dust, ice, Mark Twain’s skeleton and sometimes gases. They tend to have a tail, and a hazy shell called a coma. It is said many originate from the Kuiper Belt or the Oort Cloud.
Meteors are space rocks (much cooler than asteroids and comets) that get incinerated as they enter Earth’s atmosphere. They are commonly referred to as “shooting stars.” Generally, they are debris leftover from asteroids and comets or the wishes of young children unbeknownst that the world will end before they can drive. Some meteorites make it all the way to the earth’s surface.
As for Elvis being sited hurdling home, he has reportedly also been seen throwing down Mezcal shots in Middle Earth and running high-stakes poker tournaments in Dubai.
In 1998, they made a movie called “Armageddon” starring Bruce Willis about an asteroid on a collision course with earth. Astronauts were tasked with traveling to the asteroid, landing on it, stuffing it with nuclear bombs and blowing it to hell, thereby pummeling the earth with thousands of radioactive space rocks so humans can become extinct slowly and painfully from radiation poisoning as opposed to a quick lights out once the behemoth knocked the earth off its orbit.
So, you ask yourself, why is this front page news? Well, have you ever noticed when you are driving down the highway and it becomes backed up for 40 miles because up ahead some poor people, texting while driving, experienced the worst day of their lives, and were mangled into bloody piles of breathing, screaming mush, and all those people you share the highway with are desperate to get an eyeful of the carnage? That is why traffic gets backed up, not because the road is blocked by a severed arm or flaming pile of metal; no, it is because people like to see others suffering and dying or dead and bloating, blow flies eating their eye balls like jello and buzzards slurping their bloody pungent intestines like udon noodles.
Tell people an asteroid is going to kill half the people on the planet and they will buy popcorn and Goobers for the show.
An asteroid coming down to mercifully wipe out half the annoying population, open up the grocery store lines and freeways, come on, would most humans really lose that much sleep over it?
