Ten Things I Learned From This Year’s Mid-Term Election

1. The Crusades were fiction written by Chaucer.

2. People vote like they eat, with their taste buds and not with their brains.

3. Zombies are real and they wear Joseph & Feiss and Fashion Nova.

4. Unlike respiratory disasters, political ones don’t relieve the store shelves of toilet paper.

5. Van Buren was right. Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston should have let Santa Anna keep Tejas after all.

6. Jusuf Nurkic is a shoo-in for the NBA league MVP.

7. Minnesota, Michigan, Texas, North & South Carolina, Georgia, Illinois, Virginia, the entire Northeast, Oregon, and California are pushing for 6-day work weeks and the removal Christmas as a holiday.

8. Rome never stood a chance.

9. Uneasy lies the head that wears the toupee.

10. We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.