Silly-String Caper

By Greg Evans

A woman in Florida was arrested after working herself up into a rage and emptying an entire container of silly-string on a man who has since pressed charges for what I assume is attempted murder in the first degree, penalty, death by being eaten alive by killer whales.

The incident sparked significant debate across the state on the proper punishment for such a horrific crime. Some argue she is getting off easy with killer whales and should instead face a python tank.

Police have since begun tracking down which store sold it to her. Whether any charges will come against them is unknown, but inside sources say 100% probable.

The state has also issued a state-wide ban the use of silly-string unless being sprayed during a Dolphins Super Bowl victory celebration. The odds of that happening - a redhead has a greater chance of being struck by lighting 19,000 times, then the Dolphins winning the Super Bowl in the next 300 years.

Now, don’t yell at me, this is scientific data. I only the messenger.

The accused is currently being held in one of Pablo Escobar’s seized cocaine subs. Her is arraignment scheduled for tomorrow.

Regardless of whether she pleads guilty or goes to trial is irrelevant, she’s doomed no matter what.