On The Beat- Wednesday , July 8, 2026 - From Broadway to Biscayne Boulevard, from the Bird Streets to Euclid Avenue to Lark Street- Any Topic is Fair Game Until it is a Bore…
By Mr. Curmudgeon
In 1980, $20 for groceries could get you what you’d have to pay $80 for today, so says the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Price Index, and the angry voicemail left by my credit card company… Heat advisories have been issued up and down the East coast lately, and consumers’ wallets have been scraped raw by astronomical bills. Utility companies argue the spike in $$$ is due to structural market dynamics and system costs as opposed to arbitrary price gouging, as utility executives put in new in-ground pools with waterfalls and complimentary dancing girls… Yankee first baseman Benny Rice hits number 26 and accepts the invitation to participate in the home run derby on July 13th. With Judge sidelined until 2050, and the Yanks pennant drought a throbbing ache in the… achilles, we need something to drink good beer to! Ho! Ho!… Parents in Brazil are sentenced to 50 days in prison for homeschooling their children which authorities deem to be “intellectual neglect,” because they failed to include sex education material (pornhub videos and 50 Shades of Grey) as part of the curriculum… An entire small town West Virginia police force is fired when they refuse to give the Mayor the keys to their evidence room. Where they store the nose candy. And the jelly beans, tranks, and zannies… Jon Rahm says he’s open to the idea of funding the gooney golf league. Is that a cricket player?… WPLG Miami news anchor, Jenise Fernandez is reprimanded for posting bikini pics to social media because her station, run by ugly horse-faced spinsters, are jealous. We, at the Lampoon say, if you got it, flaunt it. And slip me your number while you are at it. Hey now!… In Michigan teens can start getting their license at 14 years and eight months old. Someone’s gotta drive to the market to buy hot dogs, cigarettes and boxed wine with that stack of food stamps… Princess Kate swears by her hiking backpack, that she wears driven by tuxedoed chauffeur from five star hotel to five hotel… Sturgis just isn’t the same without Frank Fritz… The rise in popularity of the “Texas Twinkie” leaves foodies drooling. Leave your skinny at the door… Arizona’s oldest pool is 140 years old. That is a lot of pee… 13 Iredell NC softball players voted All-State. New ones are being grown as we speak. Watered every two days with eight drops of miracle grow… Atlanta entrepreneurs are embracing shipping container storefronts. The bullets just bounce right off them… Georgia Tech athletics earned $175 million in revenue. Almost enough to cover the Nil money for the 17-year-old red-shirted freshman who will transfer after two years and may or may not go pro… El Paso, TX is seeing a decline in citizenship applications as applicants argue the coty is more Mexican than some Mexican border towns… Louisiana public schools lost 60,000 students in a decade. When the chance of being shot by your gang-affiliated, drug-dealing classmate is like 98%, there is a bit of hesitation… Downtown Little Rock, AR, receives a $30 million grant from Jeff Bezos for a new park. Built by robots and only allowed to be enjoyed by his robot workers… Neatherlands man deported in February from illegally living in the US is now illegally living in Mexico. If it walks like a duck, amd quacks like a duck… Developer of enormous Nevada solar plant accused of using water illegally. Why not waterboard him with his illegal water everyday for a week and see if he ever does it again?… We present it. You decide…