ON THE BEAT- From Broadway to Biscayne Boulevard, from the Bird Streets to Euclid Avenue and Lark- Any Topic is Fair Game Until it is a Bore…
By Mr. Curmudgeon
The Alien Papers that the government claims they will release are still hanging in limbo, as far as we can tell. When they are handed over to a ravishing public, the real ones I mean, they will be published in full, right here, stapled to the walls of this pub. In Feb and March of 2026, U.S. federal agencies were to identify and release records concerning UFOs and UAPs. I sent an encrypted email to the White House requesting special press passes and privileges, suggesting that Em, Brett, I be a part of that team of investigators searching for the most transparent documents, witness accounts, videos, and satellite photos that may exist. I am still waiting to hear back on this request. I have also applied to be one of the senior advisors, alongside Jim Byron, helping to oversee NARA's UFO and UAP archive and collection.
Spring Break 2026, has been a disaster and turned some of Florida's more bohemian enclaves into a derailed train calamity, with beach cities resembling more the after action report from Ramadi, than a balmy beach community of retirees, sunbathing, and sandcastle building. Drunken teenagers - using social media to orchestrate violent, sex-fueled takeovers and flash mobs ran rampant stealing, destroying of personal property, driving while out of their minds creating crashes on interstates and local thoroughfares for nearly 350 miles, and committing other unmentionable atrocities such as rape, and attempted murder with a string of shootings occurring right on crowded Daytona Beach. I emailed officials for the city of Daytona Shores from my Miami hotel room asking if they would like me to come up there and start pulling out fingernails so we could get some answers into the names of the leaders of these coteries of thugs. My suggestion has still gone unanswered...
La Guardia Airport officials are tense as a, most likely, AI-piloted aircraft smashed into a, most certainly, AI-driven fire truck on one of their runways, when both were given the green light to move by a, most indubitably, AI-generated logistics algorithm manager and voice recording. This is terrible tragedy as people died in this accident and families are devastated by what happened. This isn’t a laughing matter, but neither is a world controlled by robots.
On a bright note it has stopped raining for the time being in Miami.
The LAX guitar smasher will pay for his misdeeds. I personally would like to delve out the punishment to that bearded weasel, something worthy of a lesson.
Posh New York City hotels charge stiff bills for average breakfasts. And how does that surprise anybody? Miami is no different. Neither is Cleveland or even Saratoga Springs. They charge a lot for on-site parking too. Nobody is making you stay there, Johnny. There is always the Super 8 at $100 a night and breakfast at McDonald’s, which these days is, I don’t know, $36? Stay out of the posh places you cheap bastards. The rich hotel magnates are going to get theirs on your dime or someone else’s. Maybe I will become one of them. Have the poshest hotel on all of Miami Beach, charge $15,000 a night, $100 per day valet parking, $75 for wet scrambled eggs and margarine-slathered white Wonder bread toast, orange drink and a small bowl of three-day old honeydew, and if people have complaints they can email them to my intern at Dade County Community College (school credit only, no hourly wage), while I’m floating around the Ionian Sea with Hollywood Starlets, and First-class Victoria Secret models. The same goes for streaming. You $200-$1,000 per month while TV gets paid on top of that from ads and what do you get? You get blocked by “add-on” locks because you still aren’t paying enough.
The NCAA Tournament has been full of surprises. High Point beats Wisconsin! UNC and Florida get knocked off. It was funny, the High Point coach was yelling and screaming about how if power programs played them during the regular season High Point would kick their ass and not have to wait until the tournament to do so. He was insinuating that if Duke or Michigan wasn’t so scared to play them (High Point, or is it Highpoint?), that the Panthers would decimate the Blue Devils or the Wolverines- maybe both at the same time. In the second round, High Point was put up against the Arkansas Razorbacks. Arkansas? A #4 seed? Is this a joke? They entered the arena like Alexander the Great’s army at the Battle of Gaugamela. Only this time Darius III won. Arkansas shut them down and moved onto the next round, no thrills, no fireworks, not even the water girl was surprised by that win.
The U.S. State Department this month (March), issued travel bans of level 3 and 4 severity for pretty much all middle eastern countries. Though they just recently stated it, again, these warning levels have been in place for the past 2,372 years as the middle east has never been safe for travel. Therefore, that is where I’d ship all the spring break teenage troublemakers. Round the brutes up, and one way flights to the Syrian desert. Just enough fuel to get there and land. They then have 20 minutes to exit the plane before they self-destruct. After that, they can wander the desert for all we care…
NYU has put a stop to live commencement speeches to curb students from boring the audience with their politically radical and often misinformed opinions because well frankly, nobody cares. Instead a pre-recorded speech is shown on the big screen. For this ground-breaking action we applaud NYU, as other schools have joined the push to keep graduation commencements bearable. It was either a pre-recorded video or a trap door beneath the podium. I was fine with either.
Billionaires’ Row on Collins Avenue in South Beach is getting a $2.5 billion makeover. Estimates suggest the costs will cover, in that neighborhood, a carport, a shed and a 4x4 foot tomato patch.
Inter Miami’s Lionel Messi scores his 71st free kick of his illustrious career surpassing the great legend Pele. Ardent extraterritorial enthusiasts wonder if Messi carries DNA from Planet X. Messi has not yet officially denied it. Requests for a five-hour, comprehensive sit-down interview exclusive, on the balcony of the Fontainebleau’s Tresor Suite over Mojito’s from El Cristo Restaurant on Calle Ocho, have yet to be corroborated.
Who makes the best cheesecake voting is taking place in Cleveland. It’s up to the public to decide, not some snooty panel of B-celebrity judges. Therefore this is the real deal. I will follow the results of this closely. Any AI-generated cheesecake concoctions created by robot kitchen staff should be immediately banished to Tomis… You have until Friday, the 27th to participate.
MLB Opening Day begins tonight, March 25th at 8 pm., with the New York Yankees vs. the San Francisco Giants. Enough said. I’ll be watching. It is on Netflix (weird). At least I get that. I have like 47 different streaming services and still can’t watch all the games I want. And you wonder why the Aliens keep bypassing earth…
Dave vs. Rico are in a once in a lifetime wager. Barstool Sports and One Bite Pizza Review tycoon Dave Portnoy and Rico Bosco, Barstool Pick Em co-host have entered into a wager over the Michigan vs. Alabama game. If Alabama wins, Rico gets double his salary sealed by a 10-year contract. If Michigan wins, Rico must do a weekly podcast with his arch rival Jeff Nadu for a full year. This event will be streamed on Barstool Gaming Channels. But what if it ends up being a tie? Random event, an earthquake and the game is canceled and nobody wins, like a children’s birthday party, or the NFL…
In Pennsylvania since late 2025 through presen day there have been 135 UFO/UAP sightings, 115 which are still unexplained. In Canada there have been over 1,000. In New York state there were something like unexplained 66 sightings and in Saratoga Springs spaceships the size of a large cars with bright lights hovered around 1,000 feet off the ground before disappearing. Why would they be here if not conquest? Maybe resources, like gold, palladium, or rhodium? That is for us to present and you to decide.