James Franklin was Touched by God
By Greg Evans
Do you know who James Franklin is? I bet a lot of you don’t. He was one of Jesus’s disciples who was reincarnated as a college football coach.
Over the past few years, he was the head coach at Penn State University, where his team had a record against top 10 teams (since 2023) of 3-17. The overall record, during his tenure, was against mostly cupcake teams, so that doesn’t count. It was his losses in games that matter that made the “higher ups” (the people who matter), question his ability to produce results and earn the $8,000,000 annual salary he received. For not performing satisfactorily, he was recently terminated from his position and awarded a bonus of $49,000,000.
I bet parent’s at Penn State University are thrilled at where their tuition money is going. I know I’d be rhapsodic, and probably send each member of the board of directors, a gift basket.
To attend Penn State for a year costs, for out-of-state residents, $40,188.67. At least you know your money is going toward a worthy cause. They could be spending it on something obnoxious like new science equipment.
It’s also repugnant having to hear people complain about it. “Oh, it’s not fair that he is paid a bonus of $49 million dollars for being a shitty football coach.” I don’t know why people who aren’t touched by God’s golden wand think anything should be fair. It is time for hostile, jealous people, with inflated self-images, to get over yourselves. Have a Klondike bar. Actually, don’t, they are toxic as hell.
If you want a bonus like Franklin, for being a crappy employee, then quit your dusty cubicle job at Merrill Lynch gambling other people’s money, and go out and become a lousy, underperforming football coach. But it has to be losses against Top 10 teams, or you might only get a measly $9.8 million bonus like Sam Pittman at Arkansas.
James Franklin wasn’t just sprinkled with pixie dust, he snorted a fat line of it. That bald geek practically has a glowing halo over his head. James Franklin could rule the world if he wanted to, and you all would bow down to him. I probably would too. He could say, “Give me all your daughters,” and you would comply, no questions asked. Just like guys did in the book of Genesis. “I have been anointed by God, I will sleep with your daughter tonight.”
“Yessir! We will prepare the hay bed.”
I’m not making that up either. If you think I just wrote that for blasphemous effect, then you are a fool. Go read it for yourself. You’d never question the universe or James Franklin’s divinity ever again. I don’t anymore. I’m just trying to explain my hypothesis now.
One could argue that James Franklin was destined for the wealth of ancient Kings. Had he not become a coach he surly would have hit the Powerball jackpot, twice, or went scuba diving and found the missing Atocha fortune, for which he was allowed to keep, tax free.
Wealth rules the world. If God didn’t want it that way, 1/2 a frozen pizza wouldn’t cost $12, and he wouldn’t have made people rabidly destroying all the farmland, fields, and forests to build maoist edifices. It is obvious that other powers are in play here. Powers that go far beyond our comprehension, like that Greek prince who, supposedly, gets to make out with Madelyn Cline. If I was a “prince”, would I have a shot? I had abs once for six hours. Prince Constantine-Alexios, just like Franklin, opened the candy bar and discovered it held one of Wonka’s golden tickets. They are probably as baffled as the rest of us. Don’t try and rationalize it. You’ll go crazy in the process.
Franklin could jump out of a moving train, the L0 Series Maglev, high over jagged rocks, traveling at 600km/hr, and miraculously, a cloud or divine mattress would appear and cushion his fall. The rest of us would be crushed into bloody pulp.
James Franklin was touched by God. And if you don’t believe me, well, that is your problem, and part of why you are $15,000 in credit card debt waiting for your bi-weekly check, and he’s in the Maldives waiting for a new head coaching offer.
I might sound bitter to some of you, but I’m not. I have accepted the world as it is and my place in it. I will never get fired from a job and get a $49,000,000 bonus for it. I will never make out with Madelyn Cline on a yacht in the Ionian Sea. It is just not in the cards, and oddly enough, I am totally ok with it. In a pragmatic sense. I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t be totally worth the ride though, but dreaming too much, has its consequences.