Ah! Father’s Day!

By Greg Evans

Ah! Father’s Day! That day when all under-appreciated men wake up early to make a breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, extra-buttered bread for their health-conscious Gen Z family who only nibble on the organic pieces of fruit.

Ah! Father’s Day! The only day of the year when men can go to the golf course without getting the beady eye, and it’s so crowded it’s easier to get an invitation to the White House Correspondents Dinner than a timely tee time at your local hack fest.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that is held on a Sunday, instead of a Saturday, strategically making it so dads have to take it easy so to prevent the following day from being National Hangover Day.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day when the teenagers are out with friends and the wife is mad, again, so dad sits alone on the couch and listens to the baseball game on the radio because it is blacked out on television.

Ah! Father’s Day! That special day for dads which is no longer called “father’s day” in New York; instead, non-gestating parent day.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day when you plan on doing nothing and everyone judges you for it, because it’s good social protocol to go out and do something, just to do it.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that reminds you that somebody out there loves your idiosyncrasies when your wife and mother are both mad at you, again; and not talking to you, again.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that professional athletes have to work and we, the prole, have no empathy.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day you go to a restaurant and order a steak, because that is what a real man orders. “And make it bloody!”

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that should be a month.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day where many of you can feel special, despite the fact that the nanny, cleaning lady, lawn people, gardner, pool man, plumber and electrician, your subordinates at work or your employees, the hired chef, the dog walker, the babysitter, the caddie, and the Chinese robot, does most of the heavy lifting.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that you sit on the couch with a beer and vex over the fact that on Father’s Day, of all days, the MLB chooses to blackout the Yankees game, again. God has frowned on the MLB executives for pursuing temporary material wealth over a relationship with the Divine -as we all know, God is a Yankees fan.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day that we can watch the PGA’s best golfers in a bloody knife fight against Shinnecock Hills. Shinnecock has no friends. It is, in the opinion of the Lampoon, the best US Open course, and arguably, next to Augusta, the most primo course the PGA has to offer.

Ah! Father’s Day! That Day where all you want is a 99 burger, a cold beer, and a...

Ah! Father’s Day! That day where you take the Boss 429 out for a drive with no destination in mind.

Ah! Father’s Day! That day where there is nothing wrong with an afternoon nap despite a sink full of dishes.

Ah! Father’s Day! May all you dads out there have a wonderful day to just be a guy- with no egg shells to walk over until tomorrow.